Good morning, Friends! Happy Father’s Day!
Father’s Day isn’t quite as big a deal as Mother’s Day is. That’s OK, because moms often work a whole lot harder.
I remember my mother-in-law used to repeat this imaginary dialogue where the husband said, “Dear, chop the wood and light the stove and wash the clothes and hoe the weeds and cook my dinner and feed the kids and put them to bed, and tell me one more time why it is you’re leaving me?”
Compared with moms, dads have it relatively easy. I mean, sure, we work hard, and we care a lot about our kids. But we don’t bear the kids for nine long months, or do a lot of things that only mothers can do. So, people don’t give dads flowers and chocolate on our special day.
Tanya did a little survey last week. She asked what presents dads really want. I told her, dads always want POWER TOOLS! Dads want boats and cars and RV’s and new guitars and stuff like that. You all know the old saying about the difference between men and boys – is the size and cost of their toys.
Anyway, today is Father’s Day, and we’re going to talk a little about what it means to be a father, and how hard it is sometimes to learn how to do it.
Our Scripture this morning is from the Old Testament, from the book of Exodus. This is one of the Ten Commandments, which God gave to Moses from the top of Mount Sinai.
Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12
It isn’t always clear what “honoring” our parents is supposed to mean. Sure, I loved my dad, and he loved me. I love my two kids, and I know they love me, too.
Many of us memorized the Ten Commandments when we were children. Our teachers told us that this was the first commandment that has a promise attached to it. Honoring our parents means long life and a blessing for us.
I know, I know, it’s Father’s Day, but just notice that God says to honor both our parents, both our father and our mother.
Being a father is one of the few jobs that you don’t need to take a test for (although we really should!) You don’t need a license. You don’t have to pay a fee up front. You don’t have to post a bond. You don’t even need liability insurance.
On the other hand, you could make a case that fathers get tested every day. And there’s no question that most fathers do pay a lot over the years.
I’m not complaining. I gladly paid for baby shoes, toys, bicycles and birthday presents. My wife and I paid cheerfully for hundreds of pizzas. I don’t grudge a penny for baseball and soccer uniforms, for music lessons, for all the stuff we wanted our kids to have.
We love our kids. And they turned out really well. They’re outstanding young adults, and we’re really proud of them. And they give back! Both our kids call us every week, sometimes several times. They send us Father’s Day and Mother’s Day and birthday cards, and we put them up on the refrigerator, just as we used to do with all the art work they brought home from school.
The thing is, there really isn’t a manual for how to be a father. It’s something we have to pick up as we go along.
I can still remember the shock and the joy we felt, when we found out we were expecting both our kids. It’s a big deal.
I mean, for all those months, we knew we were about to become parents. But we had no idea what either of our kids were going to be like. Not just little things like the color of their hair or their eyes, or how tall they would grow up to be. (Both of our kids are significantly taller than I am, and they enjoy calling me “short person.”)
But the important things – what’s their character going to be like? Are they going to grow up to be decent people? (Definitely rang the bell on that one!)
Are they going to be kind to other people? (Yes.) Are they going to have faith – maybe not exactly the same as my faith, but will they know God, and love God, and trust God?
Will they be strong and healthy? Will they be honest and resourceful? Will they be smart about taking risks in life? All those things parents worry about. And for nine long months, and for years while they’re growing up, we don’t know the answers to most of those questions.
Being a dad today can be pretty scary. And there aren’t a lot of classes you can take. Most dads are rank amateurs when they start.
I know there are a lot of Bible verses here and there about parenting. But none of them say anything about when your child has a high fever during the night. None of those Bible verses has much guidance about what to say when their favorite pet dies, or when one of their school classmates dies.
I remember one of my friends saying, that having a new baby in the house was kind of a cross between falling totally in love, and having terminal jet lag.
Holding your child is a miracle. It’s an absolute gift from God. There is nothing better, in the entire world. And looking down at that child in your arms, you’re just totally thankful.
And then. And then! Babies sleep a lot, but when they’re awake, they need a lot of attention. I’m not sure that I’ve ever been so tired as the three months when our son had colic. It hurt so much, and he cried the whole time he was awake. Many times I stayed up all night, so my wife could get some rest.
We had one of those wind-up swings, and that was almost the only way he could relax and go to sleep. But the wind-up on the swing only lasted for 13 minutes. And the moment it stopped, he’d be screaming again. I spent weeks, getting to sleep only 13 minutes at a time.
I’d put him on my shoulder, this tiny little guy, and walk around and around the block at 2:00 in the morning. One night I was out walking, and a police car pulled up beside me. The cop rolled down the window, took a look at me with this crying baby on my shoulder, shook his head and grinned, and drove away. He was a dad, and he knew.
And then, one day, like turning a switch, it stopped! Our pediatrician said it would, but it was like another miracle.
All those things that dads go through. But they’re worth it. They’re so worth it.
I remember when our daughter was born, she was the first pregnancy in the parsonage in more than 50 years. The meeting went absolutely nuts. Before she was born, we already had 15 dresses in size birth to 3 months. Everyone in the meeting wanted to see our daughter in “their” special dress. Babies grow really fast, so she got to wear most of those beautiful dresses only once.
But we wouldn’t have made it without the love and support of the people in the meeting. Two wonderful older sisters gave us day care in their home for years for almost nothing. We were so grateful. Sometimes being parents means accepting grace when it happens.
Another friend of mine once said that 90% of life is just showing up. That’s true for dads, as well. Just being there.
We don’t have exceptional skills. Sure, we make mistakes. But showing up for the big and little things of life, matters.
I always tried to come to all of our son’s baseball games. Same thing with our daughter’s soccer games. I don’t know much about sports, but they knew I was there for them, cheering.
We never missed a parent-teacher conference. We never missed coming to see one of their plays or award ceremonies.
Their friends were always welcome at our house. Our kids had a weekly Dungeons and Dragons meeting for years in our living room. And those friends have stuck together, all the way through middle school and high school. They go to each others’ weddings, and they still get together online.
Welcoming their friends sends a big message to children. I’d give their friends rides home, and listen to them. I told their friends that they were cool, and they remembered it.
“Just showing up” covers all kinds of stuff. I read one time that in families that are happy, with kids who do well, the whole family sits down to dinner, every night. The TV is off. When our kids were in school, smart phones didn’t exist, so that wasn’t a problem. But a family where everyone sits down together, once a day, is a very high predictor of how those kids will turn out.
Talk with your kids. Especially, listen to your kids. Ask them questions that show you’re listening carefully. It doesn’t have to be heavy. Don’t always say, “Was this a learning experience for you?” Laugh with them. Smile with them. Just show up!
Another thing both parents can do, but especially dads and grandfathers, is to read to your kids. Reading to your kids is one of the single highest predictors of success in school. It’s also a lot of fun! All these years later, I can still recite nearly every word of the book, Where the Wild Things Are.
I remember all the poems I read to our kids, and they remember them, too. Even if I’ve read some of these stories 100 times, kids still want to hear them. Because they’re not just hearing a familiar story. They’re hearing that you love them.
And in that same vein, it’s important for kids to see you reading, too. Kids notice what things you spend your time on, by yourself. If they see that you enjoy reading, there’s a good chance that they’ll keep reading, too. It really works.
My kids always knew that I worked hard. There were so many Saturdays when I had to be at a church conference, or a funeral. There were so many times when they knew I had to go to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night and was exhausted the next day.
But it isn’t all work. Being a dad means sharing the things you love with them, even if they don’t wind up doing all those things themselves, they’ll know that life isn’t just work, work, work.
If you love fishing, take your kids fishing with you. If you love racing, take your kids along a few times. If you love life, they’re going to learn to love life, too.
And the flip side is also true. If you hate life, kids are going to pick up on that. Kids are like sponges. They soak up whatever is around them. If you’re angry all the time, if you’re always doing a slow burn, kids will either be afraid of you and avoid you and stay away from you. Or, maybe worse, they’ll wind up just like you – angry at the world, or becoming bullies or bad people.
Being a dad is such a big challenge. Not because we’re perfect. We aren’t. But because kids look at us as their role model, their example in so many things.
One of those rules in your bulletin today – one of the things my parents said, was, “Before you marry someone, take a good look at how their parents treat each other. That’s probably the way your spouse will treat you.”
And again, the flip side is, “The way you treat your spouse, is probably the way your kids will treat the people they date and marry.”
Remember, kids don’t come with an instruction manual, and most people don’t read the manual, anyway. We learn by watching. We learn by example. We do what we see being done. So, our kids need to see us really trying to be good.
My dad taught me so many things. He was a history teacher, so if you all get tired of me talking about history all the time, blame it on my dad.
I used to sit in on his classes sometimes, when I got out early from school. My dad was the best history teacher, ever. He made it come alive. I know there were students who changed their majors, because they got so excited listening to my dad.
He was also really strict. He insisted that all papers had to be typed. And they had to be proof read. Dad wasn’t an English teacher, but dropped a full letter grade after he found the third grammar mistake or the third word spelled wrong. But he could bring the past alive, and help you see that these were real people, and make you feel that you were right there with them.
My dad’s family – I’ve told you this before – goes straight back to the Pilgrims. I’m the 14th generation. And the joke in our family is that all the men usually wound up being teachers or preachers. So, my dad was a teacher. Both my brothers are teachers. In this generation, I’m the preacher. It’s a family thing.
One of the Bible verses my dad lived by, was from the gospel of Luke, where Jesus said, “Those to whom much has been given, from them much will be required.” (Luke 12:48)
My dad went to not one, but three Ivy League schools — Amherst, Yale and Columbia. He believed that the more you were educated, the more places you’d been, the more things you had learned, the more you owed to society.
He was never rich. But he gave back. My dad was a town council member – what in New England they call a selectman, the people who administer the town. He was a justice of the peace. He was a hospital director. He was president of the state kidney association.
I still remember, my dad used to get invited every year to give a history lecture at a nearby Catholic college. At the end of the lecture, the head nun always thanked him and handed him a white envelope. And every year, my dad always smiled, and thanked her, and handed it back. For all I know, it was just a thank you note. Dad sometimes wondered if it was the same envelope, every year.
He volunteered at the village school. He loved to have kids from the village school come by his sugar house every spring when they were making maple syrup, and he made them sugar on snow.
He had pen pals in several countries. He wrote newsletters. He lived more, and gave more back, than almost anyone I know. And he had a lot of fun doing it.
As dad myself, I tried to share lots of things with my kids. I made sure they all know how to swim, and to understand water safety. Some of the happiest times in my whole life, were taking my kids out canoeing, and helping them learn how to handle a boat, and move quietly, and stop now and then, and just look and listen.
I love to build things and fix things. I don’t know that either of my kids will ever enjoy woodworking as much as I do. But they both know how to replace a plug, and turn off the water, and paint a room, and climb up a ladder onto the roof.
My kids have seen and heard me pray. We always say grace at every meal, even in public. Giving thanks is never something to be ashamed of. My kids have also seen and heard me cry. They know that I get angry, but I always try to make sure they know I’m not angry at them, I’m angry at someone else, or I’m angry at the situation.
Growing up, we were always close and affectionate with our kids. And our kids also saw Joyce and me being affectionate with each other. Now that they’re grown up, our kids still say, “I love you,” in almost every conversation. What a joy!
It’s OK to be different from your parents. My dad was a terrific gardener. He could make things grow out of a concrete sidewalk. His garden fed our entire family. He used to win prizes at the fair for things he grew. My two brothers are gardeners. Me – not so much. I’ve been turned in to the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to House Plants.
Growing up, all the adults in my family enjoyed a quiet drink. No one ever got drunk, but they enjoyed a glass after work or during supper. All my life, I’ve hated alcohol. It’s really deep in me that way. I don’t even like the taste in cooking. But that’s me. That’s who I am. I don’t judge or dislike people who enjoy it. It’s OK.
Bottom line for all this: honor your parents, your mother and your father. Even if they’re not perfect. But if you’re a parent yourself, try to be worthy of that honor. Show up. Do the best you can. Love your children, and honor them.
And whether your parents are perfect or not, remember that you are always God’s beloved child. God loves you even more than your father or mother, as hard as that may seem to believe.
Your parents are your example. But God is your even greater example. God loves you, listens to you, teaches you, forgives you when you fall.
If you didn’t have a happy childhood, God can be the father or the mother you never had. God wants only the very best for you. And God always, always, welcomes you home.